"I really hate it when I’m not the only person who has the audacity to use the handicap stall."
"Today I saw a guy towing a bicycle on the back of his motorcycle. The redundancy is mind boggling."
"If you’re a contestant on “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” and at the beginning of the show they ask you if you are smarter than a 5th grader, and you just say, “no” and it turns out you are right…do you win? Because that’s what my strategy would be."
"In high school we once played against a team from a school for the deaf. They gave new meaning to the phrase, “Play to the whistle."
"I’m so bad at ironing, the fabric on my ironing board has wrinkles."
